i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
