I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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