It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
