I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
