There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
