i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
