dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
