Sponge bath it is.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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