My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
