I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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