could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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