Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
