I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
