you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
