Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
