I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
