I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
