threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
