Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
