Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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