Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
