you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
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He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
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Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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