Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
