my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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