Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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