also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
