I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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