you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
