Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
