not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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