question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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