Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
