Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
