I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
