Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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