It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
