i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
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