new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
