Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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