yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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