I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
