I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
