he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Pants are for mortals
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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