I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
