After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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