Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
