i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
