Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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