YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
