cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
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