2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There's always time for handjobs
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
