Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
