Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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