Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
